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A Border Collie

January 05, 2026 ∙ 3 minute read

I was deep into Tickling a Sun Ray 2, but then something happened: I got a Border Collie pup! Her name is Zari!

Zari, the Border Collie

To have a dog was something I wanted since I was a child, and my love for Border Collies grew as I had contact with the breed. What I didn’t expect was the mess that the first few days could be, but they live up to their standards, and oh my, how she learns fast!

We’re not out of the woods yet, as there’s so much she needs to learn and understand, but I’m certain she will excel at it. In the meantime, I decided to write a manpage for the bcollie process, just for fun.

BCOLLIE(8)                  System Manager's Manual                  BCOLLIE(8)

NAME
       bcollie - high-intelligence, real-time companion scheduler

SYNOPSIS
       bcollie [-v] [--puppy] [--treat-based] [--no-chill]

DESCRIPTION
       bcollie is a preemptive, real-time scheduling daemon commonly deployed in
       domestic environments.  It co-resides with human processes and assumes
       partial control over system time, attention, and emotional state, with
       elevated privileges.

       Unlike traditional schedulers, bcollie performs heuristic-based task
       prioritisation using visual cues, auditory signals, and human affect.
       Misconfiguration may result in interrupt storms, priority inversion,
       or destruction of physical peripherals.

ARCHITECTURE
       bcollie implements a hybrid EDF/ML scheduler with reinforcement learning.

       Core components include:

       Attention Monitor
              Samples human focus state, posture, typing cadence, and headphone
              usage.  Increases interrupt probability when deep-work is
              detected.

       Deadline Detector
              Tracks hard real-time constraints such as bladder capacity,
              hunger, fear, and boredom.

       Reinforcement Engine
              Applies positive or negative weight updates based on handler
              responses.  Inconsistent signals will permanently poison the
              training dataset.

       Shadow Herding Subsystem
              Enabled by default.  Can be disabled only via sustained mental
              stimulation.

OPTIONS
       --puppy
              Enables experimental mode.  Disables rate limiting, debounce,
              and sanity checks.  Produces frequent spurious interrupts.

       --treat-based
              Enables reward-driven policy learning.  Strongly recommended.
              Failure to supply treats may result in undefined behaviour.

       --no-chill
              Forces continuous high-frequency polling of the environment.
              Usually user-induced by lack of structure.

RUNTIME MODES
       bcollie dynamically switches between the following modes:

       IDLE
              Low-power mode.  System appears asleep but continues to monitor
              human state and environmental changes.

       WATCHFUL
              Background monitoring.  Triggered by keyboard activity or
              sustained screen focus.

       PREEMPT
              Immediate task interruption.  Entered when deadlines approach
              or boredom exceeds threshold.

       ZOOMIES
              Emergency garbage collection of excess energy.  May involve
              uncontrolled movement and noise.

CONFIGURATION
       bcollie does not read configuration files.

       All configuration is inferred from observed behaviour.  Repeated human
       actions are treated as authoritative policy definitions.

       The following pseudo-directives are recognised:

       CONSISTENCY = true
              Required.  Inconsistent handlers cause exponential interrupt
              amplification.

       SCHEDULE = predictable
              Strongly advised.  Reduces jitter and improves idle behaviour.

       SETTLE = trained
              Enables cooperative scheduling via learned yielding.

SIGNALS
       bcollie responds to the following signals:

       SIGPOTTY
              Must be handled immediately.  Ignoring this signal results in
              irreversible side effects.

       SIGPLAY
              Soft interrupt.  Can be deferred if sufficient enrichment
              has been provided earlier.

       SIGSTRESS
              High-priority signal indicating overload.  Requires calm voice,
              proximity, and reassurance.

       SIGIGNORE
              Dangerous.  Repeated use trains escalation behaviour and
              undefined side effects.

EXIT STATUS
       bcollie does not terminate.

       Attempts to uninstall bcollie may result in emotional damage to both
       system and operator.

FILES
       /var/lib/bcollie/routines
              Implicitly stored in memory.  Not user-editable.

       /dev/treat
              Primary configuration interface.

BUGS
       - May chew cables classified as unused.
       - Known to herd moving objects including robots, vacuum cleaners, and
         children.
       - Occasionally deadlocks human in prolonged staring contests.

NOTES
       bcollie performance improves dramatically with:

       - Mental workload
       - Clear boundaries
       - Meaningful jobs

       Treat bcollie as a co-scheduler, not a background process.

SEE ALSO
       sched(7), watchdog(8), puppy(7), real-time(7)

AUTHORS
       Written by evolution.

                                                                   BCOLLIE(8)

Reverse-engineering can wait a bit! I’m currently busy debugging a brand-new scheduler with legs.